I was trying to pick a song to sing for the church today, it’s my last Sunday before leaving and I wanted to really share something with them so I’ve been scouring my big worship song binder looking for what I wanted to say. This morning I was talking through my options, one of which was Step by Step written by Rich Mullins and my Dad lit up; he loves that song. So I decided that I would do it for him. Looking over the words before church I was struck by how they speak to what I’ve been going through this past year. Let me just walk you through what these words mean to me.
“Sometimes the night was beautiful… the sky was so far away… it seemed to stoop so close you could touch it but your heart would break…” These were the words that at first didn’t really fit into what I was thinking of the song, but they kind of convey to me the emotions that have been running through my heart. I’m so busy, I have so much going on and so much to think about, but I feel so much that I can’t express or articulate and that feeling of needing God so badly resonates with me.
“Sometimes the morning came too soon… the day could be so hot. There was so much work left to do, but so much we’d already done…” This past year I was working 20 hours, attending classes full time as a music student which means that I took a lot more classes for less credit, I was living with a lady who needed my attention daily and I was dealing with a lot of stresses. Every day was a decision that it was worth getting out of bed and being faithful.
“Sometimes I think of Abraham; how one star he saw had been lit for me. He was a stranger in this land and I am that no less than he. And on this road to righteousness, sometimes the climb can be so steep. I may falter in my steps, but never beyond his reach…” This to me is holding onto the promise that God has something good to give me if I keep pressing on to find it. Not that what I leave behind is bad, not that my life isn’t rich and full now, but that I am part of a promise that extends beyond my narrow dreams for myself. This next step of going to Guam for half a year is one way of me being willing to say, “God, what is it? I am waiting for your next move.” When I get caught in my own pride, it is just my steps faltering on this road. I feel like Pilgrim on his journey, or Much-Afraid climbing the mountain… even when I fall I’m never beyond his reach.
“Oh God, you are my God and I will ever praise you… I will seek you in the morning, I will learn to walk in your ways and step by step you’ll lead me, and I will follow you all of my days.” Regardless of what is going on in my life; if it is the daily grind that seems unending or the terrifying unknown, God is where I will find my strength. He is the master that I sit at the feet of soaking in his wisdom, he is the one I walk through my life leaning on.
It’s hard to live. No matter what is going on at the moment, life is just hard to walk through. But God is faithful at every turn, through every battle and in every unknown. I’ve been learning that I can enjoy it so much more when I let it go and see what God decides to do with it than when I try to make things into what I think they should be.