1:41am on November 15th, 2012.
I haven’t given my brain time to let it sink in that I’m leaving tomorrow (today). Of course I know that I’m leaving, I have said goodbye to my friends and soaked up my last experiences and tied up my loose ends. But I haven’t let myself realize that this is the last night to sleep in this bed and the last morning to go to breakfast with Kandis and the last time Manny will come home from work while I’m here. When I was flying out here I did the same thing, packing at the last minute and spending time sitting in my room not thinking about not sitting in my room for six months.
But now my closet is empty and the suitcases on the floor are full and I can’t avoid it.
I have this ridiculous longing for change when it is far off and this irrational fear of change when it is at my door. But I am ready to step forward even if it is just because it is unavoidable. And I’m ready to go home, I really am. It will be so fun to spend Thanksgiving with my family in Colorado, bantering with my Granny and talking novels with my aunt.. then a week in Oklahoma reconnecting with Macy.. a few quick visits with aunts and uncles and cousins and finally arriving at IAD and seeing my parents, loading my luggage into the van, driving up the familiar highways until we get off my exit and pass by my friend’s houses and come down the hill and turn into my driveway. I can imagine what it will look like and how excited my dog is going to be and how wonderful it will feel to walk into my room and see my bed and my piano and know that I get to stay. Can you tell I’ve been visualizing this?
The hard part is that a bit of my heart is going to be in Guam, and if I had left a few months ago it wouldn’t have been as big of a rip, but now there are people and places that I’ve grown to love. I don’t think that this post has a point. I’ll give myself 100 more words to turn it around.
God has been living and active in my life for the past 6 months. I’m not leaving with all of my questions answered and my life plan set out before me, but I am leaving confident that I will make the decisions that need to be made with honor and integrity. I know that regardless which choices are made that my goal is to live each day as a refreshment to those around me and to grow continually more reliant on my Savior for peace and joy and strength.
I thank God for taking me out and making me separate unto himself.