When I got home I expected everything to move quickly. I was going to start work, get a car, apply for a full time position, pay up my bills.. yeah. So what actually happened is that I’ve run into some walls and I’m waiting. The first few days I was mindlessly running against said walls and slamming my head up against them and not being a very good truster in general, but after I sufficiently convinced myself that there were no options I sat down and glared at God and then sighed and accepted it.
What’s up with him and all the waiting? Isn’t that the theme of just about everybody’s life? There are books and blogs and statuses and diary entries full of our impatient whining about how God makes us wait for love and success and answers. How can it possibly be that important? What could I possibly be benefiting from that would be impossible any other way?
I never finished this blog post last night and then this morning my pastor was preaching on the heaviness of waiting in the advent season and how the prophets showed us how to wait well. It isn’t about being passive, it is about being honest and obedient, asking the difficult questions and then fixing your eyes on Jesus until he responds. So I guess my glaring is acceptable. 🙂
Isn’t it always about the heart? Isn’t he always after whatever will mature me and shape me into his image? What good thing has ever come of being impatient and indulgent? Isn’t character always wrought in pain and darkness and surrender? So the real question is not “what could God possibly be teaching me that is so important?” but “how far am I willing to let him take me?” How mature do I want to be? Where is the line where I tell him to stop because I’ve grown enough for my comfort? I find that every time I let him take me further he pushes forward again, urging me to the next milestone.
I want to be willing to go all the way, but in reality I know that I’m the queen of roadblocks and wrong turns. My fumbling attempts at “accidentally” getting sidetracked from his purpose are glaringly obvious. My sinful man digs his heels into the dirt and says, “NO. I want what I want and don’t you give me any more of this refining mumbo jumbo!” But my new man longs for the strength and peace that growth in Christ will bring, and the intimacy of complete surrender to him. In my heart I know that these things will take time and my heart is mid-transformation.
If God waited thousands of years to send the solution to our sin problem, then is having us wait thousands of more years for the second half of the rescue plan, we can pretty much conclude that he isn’t in a hurry. Yet I scurry around trying to fit all the success and purpose into my short little life that it can hold, as if that meant anything in the scheme of eternity.
Listen to all of my beautiful theory. I’ll let you know how squelching my greedy spirit actually works out.