I wrote this poem awhile ago about being double-minded, wanting both to be holy and to be selfish at the same time and how confusing it is to have a divided heart. I’ve been feeling like this recently..
I look up in the sky and feel a longing in my soul
for the ways above my ways and the power to make me whole
Then I trip and fall on pebbles that are scattered on the street
The sky tugs at my heart, but the world tugs at my feet.
I long to lose myself and find in you my only praise
but I hold on to the hope that I can find it other ways
Back and forth my heart is torn between the common and elite
The Lord tugs at my heart, but the world tugs at my feet.
I’m ready to let go of all the things I think I need
to give up vain ambition, selfish pride and hopeless greed
for I’ve finally found a person who can make my life complete
Jesus has my heart and he will wash my dirty feet.
God is so good to me and I’ve been working on being more attentive to him instead of just vaguely aware of his presence and influence but there are times that I just switch my brain off and do what I want. In those times I’m reminded of how we are always one choice away from any sin and how easy it is to go against everything I am committed to. Faithfulness and obedience are such fragile and breakable things, so easily wiped out by emotion and self-centeredness. When James talks about a double-minded man being unstable in all his ways I can completely relate.
We are all double-minded, aren’t we? We need to be constantly reminded of what we believe. We are all like Dory from Finding Nemo with our short term memory loss making us look shallow and ungrateful, making us run away from the one who we love and who has been so faithful to us.
God provided a car for me, not only that, he went way over the top and provided me with the most amazing car imaginable. He has also provided enough money for bills as they come along, he has got me through figuring out how to manage full time work weeks and deal with each little disaster as they arise. I’m waiting to see what he has in store for me as far as a permanent job goes. And I want to be faithful, with every bit of my soul I want to be committed and unswerving in my devotion to him and it pains me that I’m not, but my faithlessness does not nullify God’s faithfulness. He promises to be strong in my weakness, so what else is there to do but give him my weakness in all of its filth? Can God take my divided heart and ADHD obedience and somehow glorify himself through it?
He promises to not stop working on me until he completes what he has started. He promises that he will work everything together for good. He promises to give good gifts, to grow me up into the measure and fullness of Christ. Surely his tugging at my heart won’t be in vain.