anger, bitterness and selfishness are really easy. like, when you suddenly live with this husband who is super nice but also human and then two weeks after you commit your lives to each other you get a roommate who is super cool but also.. there. all the time. it can be dicey, and it can be very easy to slip into the habits that you try to fend off for the public eye. suddenly these people are your family and they see you when you are mad/tired/gross..
but i realize as i share my house and my bed and my money and my time that having a good attitude is a choice. being vindictive is a choice too. one of the things that jason and i have really talked about is being intentionally hospitable, not in just a “come over to our house for dinner and then leave so we can have our ‘newlywed’ time” kind of way, but in a “come share our lives with us, stay with us, let us make you feel wanted and welcome regardless of what we get out of it” kind of way.
we’ve had a lot of bad kickback from people about us having a roommate, which is interesting. we’ve had some people say that we have huge hearts and then others who say it will destroy our marriage. i tend to land somewhere in the middle because i realize that there will be strain and i realize that there will be miscommunication, but we want to embody hospitality and we want to love people, and how can we do that if we hold onto our space and our rights? this is a physical outpouring of what we want our hearts to look like, and it is helping our hearts get there as well.
it actually isn’t that hard to share my house and husband with another person because we haven’t been married long enough that i got used to having them to myself. so maybe it will get harder but right now i love it. zach is funny and friendly, he washes the dishes and we all three get along really well. and honestly, he doesn’t have the power to ruin our marriage. only we can ruin our marriage by being self centered and not giving what the other person needs to feel loved and respected.
there have been several times over the past few weeks that something has happened that hurt my feelings or jason didn’t do what i wanted him to or i felt wronged and my heart jumped right to bitterness. i wanted so badly in the moment to hold this occurrence over his head and make him understand the pain that he caused me.. but then the holy spirit whispered in my heart, “be a forgiver. be a lover. give without reserve or regret.” and i realize and choose to react differently.
who would have thought. a year ago we were broken up and 8000 miles apart trying to decide where God wanted us to go. a year ago we were talking every day because our friendship was strong enough to care about the other person even while we were mad or hurt. a year ago i didn’t know if this was the future i was going to have or even if i wanted it, i was considering ministries all over the world, i was praying for direction and my heart kept pulling me back to pennsylvania where this strong and steady man was waiting and praying for me too. everything is a choice. and we choose to love as much as possible.