fears & thoughts: baby edition

A few months ago I was struck by how strange it is that I have a daughter, but I don’t know her at all.  Right now she is the precious unknown, tucked inside my body and unable to irritate me, but soon she will be born and suddenly I’ll have to interact with her and she’ll have a personality and a sin nature and all of those human things that will make her a unique child of God.  It is weird.

Being a worrier by nature, I wonder if we’ll like each other or if our personalities will clash.  I wonder if my flaws will have a huge impact on her life and if there is a way to shield her from my inadequacies.  I wonder if the whole mother-love thing will be natural or if my selfishness will rear up and reveal the ugliness of sin in my heart to my poor little girl.  Knowing myself, I’ll have to work and pray daily to be the parent she needs.

I had always thought being a mother would be completely natural and beautiful, but as it comes closer I’m getting more and more terrified of screwing it up.  There are so many instances of bad parenting in the world and on the news that it seems presumptuous to assume that good parenting will come without effort.

This scares me more than marriage, more than moving out and growing up.. it is completely life-changing and sobering; something to be respected and taken seriously.  The idea of parenthood is exciting, but the reality of looming parenthood is intense.

Not to be morbid about having a baby.  🙂

I’m coming up on trimester #3 which means that I am NEARLY DONE with this part of being a mother.  I’ve been writing Eep letters, which may be cool for her to read later in life, but I think that I need to talk to her more because she can’t hear my feelings in a letter.  Today was the first time I’ve said, out loud, to my stomach, “I love you.”  Awkward to speak to one that I only know as a fuzzy black and white image or a kicking banshee in my belly.

So, that’s where my brain is at these days.

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One thought on “fears & thoughts: baby edition

  1. Will be interesting for you to go back and look at this post three years from now, then five and ten and fifteen. The questions change over time but they never stop.

    My teenager occasionally tells me that I’m a wonderful mother and he loves me. Which means a) I have been blessed with a wonderful sweet-natured kid and b) he’s seriously deluded because I have made sooooooo many mistakes in this mommy gig.

    If I hadda predict, I would guess that that mother love thing is gonna come as easy as pie, once the little Rockette is out where you can watch those adorable tiny feet wiggle. You guys will make mistakes. Eep will love you anyway. Eep will embarrass you deeply many times and drive you to distraction twice as often at that. You will love her anyway. You’ll never stop wondering if you’re doing it right, and your amused aunties will keep telling you you’re doing fine.

    You want something to fret about this stage of the process? Eep has ears now and she’s already listening to you… So go sing her a lullaby, it’ll make you both feel better.

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