This morning I was up around 4am worrying about things.
I worry about job security, money, unexpected expenses, childcare, what other people think of us, and if God will reach a point where he throws up his hands and says that he has had enough. I worry that we will fail as adults. I worry that everyone will look at us and shake their heads, saying, “People like that shouldn’t be allowed to have kids.”
So I got up around 5:30am and made myself breakfast, poured a big glass of milk, took my prenatal vitamin and sat with my Bible in the early morning light reading over some promises. I need some reassurance that God is still in control.
I read in Isaiah that if I sacrifice, fast or act repentant without a true brokenness of heart that it isn’t acceptable to God.
I read in Psalms that God is near to the righteous and will rescue them from the wicked. And I want so much to assume that I am the righteous.. but am I? Can I really just assume that I am the righteous one just because he loves me? Do I merit rescue?
I read in Romans that we are all miles short of where we should be, but that his grace is a gift. It takes a load off of my shoulders to know that a gift can’t be earned, to know that there is nothing for me to DO. I don’t have a list of requirements for justification.
When circumstances overwhelm me and I feel like I am drowning, all I want is to be bailed out. I want a magical God-hand to reach down and pull me out of the pit and give me a do-over. I don’t want to be taught a lesson or be truly humble, I don’t want to learn to not make the mistake again, I want a quiet rescue that no one will know about so that I can continue on with my charade.
I realize the wickedness in my own heart when little things come up and my mind notices that a tiny lie or a secret cheat will make my life easier. When I wrestle with my spirit over these things that surely aren’t a huge deal but definitely aren’t honest either.. sometimes the only thing that keeps my integrity intact is thinking, “How can I go to God and ask for help when I have just manipulated this situation in a sinful way?”
I’m not willing to put more sin in between my heart and Jesus than is already naturally there.
So if you think of me, pray for me. It seems like I’m in the middle of a hurricane of pregnancy hormones and life circumstances, hiding myself in the Rock of Ages. It doesn’t make the storm any less loud and violent and awful, but I don’t know any other way to get through life with my faith and sanity intact.
(It is very possible that I am being dramatic, but IT FEELS DRAMATIC.)