Take me for granted.

forgranted

Can I write a disclaimer?  If you are being verbally, emotionally or physically abused or your relationship is unhealthy in another way, please do not feel like I am saying you need to suck it up.  Your significant other should be treating you with love and respect!

I’ve been asked about marriage a lot recently, and one friend in particular asked if I ever find that we start to take each other for granted.  I don’t know if I’m just starting to feel really nit-picky about wording or what, but the idea that taking someone for granted is inherently bad bothers me a little bit.  Taking someone for granted has bad connotations, for sure.  It could mean that you aren’t appreciating them, you aren’t giving them any credit, or that you are using a person.  But it could also mean that you can count on this person, you can assume of them, and you can trust them without having to think about it.  In other words, to take someone for granted could mean that they are your “of course.”

Of course Jason loves me even though my post-baby body is still doing awkward things.

Of course I will rub his feet when he has been working or playing football all day and they hurt.

Of course he can bring Eden down to my job so I can make it to an event with her on time.

Of course I can pack him a lunch so he doesn’t need to worry about it in the morning.

It seems like, in a few of the conversations that I’ve had, there are too many people who are not willing to be someone else’s “of course”.  There are too many people who want it to be even, want to be praised, want to be in control, and aren’t willing to give with the possibility that they won’t be paid back.

A marriage can’t be good if it is made up of two selfish people who stubbornly wallow in their selfishness.

Maybe you would say, “But my husband isn’t my ‘of course’!  I can never count on him for anything!”  And maybe that is true.  Maybe he is just as selfish as you say and he needs to change.  But then I would say that if you want to have a good marriage, you are only responsible to make your half of it good.  You are responsible for the actions and attitudes that you bring to the wife piece of the marriage, and he is responsible for the husband piece.

Being a good wife is a choice.  And I feel that part of that choice (at least in my life) is to be willing to be my husband’s “of course”.  I leave Jason in God’s hands, I let them be my “of course” and don’t worry about if they are doing their jobs properly.  As for myself, I can choose selflessness, I can choose service, I can choose love.

Like the trust fall, I can choose to be the person at the bottom that is fully committed to catching him when he falls backward.  He doesn’t need to worry that he will hit the ground, because of course I will be there.  He can take that for granted.

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6 thoughts on “Take me for granted.

  1. Great alternative perspective. Being able to take your spouse for granted is a great thing! It means that even when life gets in the way of your usual marriage upkeep, you could still count on them.
    One point that you mentioned I really feel differently about, which was about doing your half for a good marriage. Doing just your half won’t make for a good marriage if your spouse isn’t doing theirs, because a good marriage takes two good halves. I think if you really want a good marriage you have to be willing to do the whole effort including your spouse’s half, until they can do it themselves. You’re both responsible for the whole marriage, even if that means doing double your share of the effort.
    John

    • I dont think that only one good half makes it good, but i do think you can only be responsible for your part. How do you see that a wife could do her husband’s piece of the marriage? Thanks for sharing your point of view!

      • okay, specifics! Well, as for the functional parts of a marriage like work and raising kids, if a husband became sick or otherwise unable (or chose not to) to do these things, the wife is still responsible for the whole marriage (doing essentially what a single mum does, but still married). As for the personal aspects, if the husband shows no love, no support, gives no conversation etc the wife will be lonely and miserable unless she works very hard to support herself emotionally, still consistently talks to her husband (carefully because it’s so difficult for him), and searches for the support she needs through whatever familial and self-determined avenues she can get it. In this way she is compensating for her husband’s half of the marriage because she doesn’t have half a marriage. They have the whole marriage regardless of who’s putting in the effort.
        Of course, that sounds like ridiculously hard work and it still won’t be a good marriage until the the husband gets into gear (although, interestingly, if the husband was unfortunately incapacitated and the wife did everything it wouldn’t be right to criticize it)
        What spouses usually say is “I’m doing my half as I should. They have to do their half so I’m just going to wait/do nothing/pray until they do it.” Meanwhile they feel unloved and miserable and the marriage is going to stay the same because the husband is getting away with it.

      • Yes, and probably due to experience because going by this post you do have a half/half marriage and that’s great. My marriage is becoming that way but for years it wasn’t and if I just did my half I would still be miserable. But I took responsibility for the whole marriage, through a world of effort and pain and now it’s great. People need to know that’s possible, so it’s what I’m blogging about.

      • I think that is what I was trying to say; don’t sit around thinking about what the other person should be doing, choose to be a good spouse and do what you can do. I am glad your marriage is getting better!

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