I am finally sitting down and processing the last couple of days. I’ve been rushing around and worried and planning, and now I am just sitting here.. and this is when I just want to cry because of how awful it has been and how relieved I am that God has brought us through it. It is probably too soon and too personal, and I probably shouldn’t write this post, but I need to process it and this is the easiest way for me to do that.
Without going into detail, we found out this week that Eden had been in a potentially dangerous situation at our former babysitter’s house.
I cannot even articulate how horrifying it is to realize that the person I trusted with my precious baby was not trustworthy. It would be impossible to tell you how much I blame myself for explaining away red flags and not wanting to be “that mom”. There is no way to really express the amount of stress and guilt and fear that has taken up residence in my heart this week.
Nothing bad happened, (THANK GOD) but in this corrupt world full of filthy people, there is no amount of chance worth taking. Kids are abused, neglected, kidnapped, murdered, etc.. on a regular basis. People are disgusting and self-justifying and horribly sinful and rotten in their hearts, and somehow we have to figure out who we can leave our defenseless baby with that will care for her like they should.
This morning, we thought it was pretty bad, but that we had addressed it enough that we felt we could leave her there until we found a replacement. Then I found out that it was SO MUCH WORSE than I had known about. And I would have, probably should have, flipped my mother lid right there and rampaged the place and taken my daughter away. But I usually don’t react to things at first, it takes me awhile till I’m like.. WAIT, WAIT, SHE SAID WHAT??
That was this morning. And all day, I have seen God bring people alongside me to encourage me, to pray for me, to reach out to their friends and try to help me. All day, God has been at work in our world and solutions have been popping out of the woodwork. We went from having no options to having more options than we need. That makes me cry too. I can’t tell if I’m crying from sadness or blessedness at this point.
Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done, and not because of the sleepless nights and dirty diapers. The weight of responsibility is so heavy, and the fear of the unknown is so daunting. I remember as a child, I would try to make my mom promise that nothing bad would ever happen to me and she would never do it. That resonates with me now. I want to promise her that she will be safe, that we will make sure this never happens again, but I can’t control those things.
The only thing that I can promise my daughter is that God loves her and will be with her no matter what happens. I can scrutinize and agonize over every decision, but in the end all I can do is pray incessantly and give my daughter to God. She will be safest when I am holding fast to Christ and trusting him to do what I can’t do in her life.
I swear, this baby makes me a better Christian. She shows me how pitiful I am and how desperately I need a Savior.