Cycles

I have heard that depression can reoccur as you cycle through the year and hit an anniversary of something traumatic.  I never thought about that too much, because I didn’t think that depression was something that I dealt with.  But coming up on the end of February and the beginning of March, I realized that this was happening to me.

Last year, I left a good company that I had worked for 6 years.  I thought that I was making a great choice to move from banking into marketing, which is something I have always been interested in.  And it wasn’t all bad.  There was a lot about marketing that I liked, and there was a lot about working at a small company in downtown Lancaster that I liked.  But from the very beginning I felt dissension with my coworkers, especially my boss.  The next few weeks I worked really hard to communicate well and excel at my assignments, but nothing helped, and one Friday I was called into the conference room and told that they were cutting my hours in half because I was not as adept in administrative work as I appeared to be at my interview.

I was terrified.  I was devastated.  And above all I was ridiculously angry at this pompous turd who smugly overturned my entire life without warning.

I have always been good at admin work.  To be essentially fired from a job because of that made me feel like a fraud, and completely inadequate to look for employment in that field again.  My confidence was at an all time low.  I sat at home in a fog with a 6 month old daughter and no idea how we were going to pay for bills once our savings ran out.

It took me 3 months to work my way out of that pit of self-pity and doubt and depression.  And I feel a little dumb for being depressed over losing a job.  But I felt like I had spent 6 years building a reputation of being reliable, hard working, creative, focused and organized, and in a few short weeks I had lost all of that.  I had been providing half of my family’s income and suddenly I was home trying to learn how to function without a workplace structure to keep me motivated.

But God was faithful.  I started babysitting, we learned to live on less, and I became adept at making money from home and keeping house well.  I gained back confidence, and worked on forgetting about the whole sordid experience.

Till this time of year rolled around again and suddenly it all came back.

I couldn’t figure out why I suddenly felt insecure and worthless about everything.  I would catch myself obsessing over what had happened and feeling anger build in my heart about the whole situation all over again.  And then I realized that it had been a year, and I bet that this is what they mean when they talk about depression cycles.

God brought so much good from that doofus firing me.  I am a stay at home mom, which I never imagined that we would be able to afford.  I am able to give my family a much cleaner house, a much healthier menu, and a much happier home environment.  My daughter lives in her house with her family more than she lives at a daycare, which is a huge blessing.  I get to explore new avenues of business, I have made new friends, and I have been so excited and fulfilled with where God has put me.

I think that I needed to write this out to remind myself that my worth isn’t based on my self-esteem or public opinion.  I am not trying to appear faultless, I know that I suffer from sin and my shortcomings are no secret to anyone.  But that doesn’t diminish my value, it only emphasizes the beauty of God’s grace in my life and his goodness.  I have been able to see him working all things together for good in my life, and even during this low point in the year I am grateful for that reminder.

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